And so we enter the holiday season, a time for friends, and family, and giving, and, more importantly, holiday parties. But what is a good party? And how do you organize one?
The following advice is given by Dave Barry (I have no permissions to reprint it, but I do it anyway)...
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was
throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up
to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another
party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where
your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to
find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to
be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they
immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just
to prevent you from having another one
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:
Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano,
sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and
sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments,
singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks
and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects,
singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks,
wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the
upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.
Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are
performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano
is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent
your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to
Level Four. The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog. Eggnog is a
traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder
where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the
English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where the "nog" comes
from.
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if
they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive
bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your
door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they wil lob
tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to
make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to
do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them
you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:
Police: Good evening. Are you the host?
You: No.
Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
You: About the drugs?
Police: No.
You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police: No, the noise.
You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there
are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The
neighbors?
Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the
recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask
the host to quiet things down?
You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with
primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door
onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down.